Love and Whiteness (Part III)

When the choice
  to live
  - in this world -
  becomes
     an ultimatum
 between
    love
    and
    dignity

It takes
 only
\ a split second \
to realise
that
   love
is but
   a luxury.

Loops

Like a record on repeat
  life presents the same
  challenges
  time and
  time again
  except that each time
  it is never the same

You wonder, is it
  the record
  that has changed
  or am I different for
  listening to it?

Love and Whiteness (Part II)

So the last time I wrote a post on this subject it was more directly lamenting the difficulties of loving a white person and the ways in which they fail to see you on a one-on-one level.

But as we get deeper into our relationship big things keep coming up. And this is why it has taken me so long to get around to writing part two of that post. Put simply, loving a white partner is not simply about the one on one relationship the two of you have. It is about much much more than that. See, there are the interpersonal dynamics between the two of you, then there are the larger societal power dynamics.

Basically, what I have been coming to realise over the increasing course of my relationship is that deciding to build something with a white person is complex, because the advantages they have of being in the world slowly crowd out the little space you have.

As a pansexual person in a heterosexual presenting relationship, this is because of the role patriarchy plays - a woman slowly is expected to conform to the culture of her partner, and her partner's family. That is, assimilation. But this is compounded because of the settler-colonist culture in South Africa, whiteness is seen as the highest bar of existence for all, and so with whiteness comes a sense of supremacy and entitlement, and if you don't fit the bar, you guessed it, you are less than worthy of being a part of the family.

There are a number of challenges that come up when I think about the costs that being in a relationship with a white cis-het male have had on my psyche. And to speak frankly I am tired. In fact all the women in me are tired. But because it is a release, and because it may help someone else out there I am going to dish them up right now. So sit back, and enjoy (if possible).

1 - Privilege and the associated lack of lived experience. This is perhaps the biggest stumbling block in our relationship. If you are a black woman (or person) dating a white male, there probably is a phase where it is all hunky dory. But sooner or later, one day you wake up and have the earth-shattering realisation that:

"There is no way in which my cis-het, upper class, able-bodied, christian, male partner, has ever been systemically discriminated against in his entire life."

And this shakes you up because all you've ever known was struggle. As a woman, as a person of colour, as a non-hetero person, as a poor person, for me - as a survivor. And for a second you can't reconcile how it is that the two of you are together. For a split second you feel lucky, like maybe you won the lottery. You remember how hard it used to be when you were young, how you struggled through abuse, through trauma, through the vicarious trauma of those in your community, and you think "Ah, how did I get here? That all feels like a long and distant dream." Then you wake the fuck up and realise that you are not lucky. That the boundaries of the prison have just changed, and now while you are able to live and love and exist a lot easier than you were able to before there are constraints facing you that you would never imagine existed and these come in the shape of your partner's privilege. 

Obviously different people are woke to different levels, but white partners in particular tend to suffer from the white liberal affliction. They think that because you agree on the basis of morality and ethics there is no need to do extra work to be a good ally. In fact they may not even know what allyship means. And the burden of educating them is then defaulted onto YOU, the partner. 

Because they are an entitled white male, they get offended when you say that it is not your duty to educate them. They don't understand that you don't owe it to them. If you choose to educate them it is because you love them and you have committed  to your relationship. Educating them is a god damn privilege, not your job.  

In any case, privilege fucks with the power dynamics, and unless your partner is willing to put in the active conscious work, reading, listening to podcasts, watching stuff, reading and reading, he is not going to wake up. Not now. Not ever. 

2- Compounded with class and privilege comes family. In the case of my partner, he is half foreign, and half South African. And I always find that the half foreign aspect is what has saved him. Of the micro-aggressions that I experience at the hands of his family, those from his dad - a white South African apartheid era male - are the worst. To him I am not an individual, I am other. Whenever he talks about black people or indians, or black colleagues, he makes eye contact with me. Needless to say he thinks I am the fucking spokesperson for every Indian person in South Africa. 

And while the microaggressions from him are regular and particularly bad, it is not much better from the rest of the family. While the mum is less problematic she is not unproblematic, and the sisters are so couched in their own privilege that it suffocates me. This is the thing, when you relate to them (the whole family) it is on their terms. You do what they want and expect you to do and you do it in their way. They speak upper-crust english, and because I speak my vernacular I become a fucking cute little joke to them, "Oh, Anne*, did you hear how she said that?". Ha. ha. ha. Big fucking deal. I am sorry I am not a colonist settler who stole land, preserved imperial culture and went to the most expensive private school owned to man. 

So, yeah, white families. And guess what, you tell your partner about it and they accuse you of hating their family? It has actively started causing me anxiety. I can't go there and not get a tummy ache or headache, and a sinking feeling (Queue get out) in my stomach. Worst part is - they don't know it. My partner thinks he is between a rock and a hard place, and to date has only had a discussion with them about how problematic they are on one occasion.  And in this process I am villainised. It becomes me against the family. Well it wouldn't be if they weren't such passively racist human beings. 

3- Friends. I'll keep it short. This post is becoming taxing. The microaggressions are terrible. One of the friends also did the thing all white people do by referring to me as curry! Racist pig. There was no backlash from my partner who then went on the defensive and like a week later forgot it happened. Well, I didn't forget. Then, there are the extremely racist and misogynist friends. He has a friend who had a road rage incident and drove past the woman, rolled down his window and flashed a wad of cash in her face. Then bragged to me and my partner about it, and proceeded to say that he 

was sure that she wanted to fuck him. My partner sees this as a once off isolated incident, and his family says boys will be boys. My partner also thinks he is between a rock and a hard place. 

Don't they understand that these are our fucking lives - oh wait, they don't!

2 - Society. South Africa, and particularly Cape Town is the most racially segregated racist place in the country. It is worse because white liberals who live here go to church and think they are doing their duty unto society. They live in big houses on the foot of the mountain and donate blankets and money to charity but have never paid retribution and will not give back the land. They see no link between the exploitation of black bodies under apartheid and their economic success. And because they are colonist-settlers, they think they belong here and also behave as Gods. They don't make eye contact with you if you are not white, and do not acknowledge your humanity. When they do it is in a patronising way. They don't see black people as people, forget as their inferiors. They are entitled trash. Period. Now think about having kids, black kids, and this is what they aspire to. Nope.

3 - The lack of a reprieve. So, I go to work. It is extremely white, I go to therapy, she is white, I go home my partner is white. My family is scattered. I am alone in this city. My black friends have moved on from this mini-apartheid state to places that will feed their souls. My white friends mostly have the liberalism affliction, and I am isolated. There are very few public spaces that have black bodies in them, and it becomes suffocating.

Loving a white person, then, is not about loving that individual. It is about being able to live with the toll that that love takes on your psyche and the price you pay for it. But I've basically decided that I am no longer willing to pay this price for our love. I demand respect from his parents, I will not associate with his friends, and he has to graft for it. I mean I could keep writing about this, the anger, the erasure, but I'll stop here.

I love my partner. I really do. When it is just the two of us hanging, I see his soul and I truly feel that he sees mine, and I don't wanna end what we've been building. I dig it. I dig him. I dig our life. But add to the equation the expectation of settling down (I don't want to) and where (Cape Town? City of spatial apartheid?), monogamy (contentious one)  and kids (I am strictly adopting when I decide I am ready - too many abandoned lil puudin' faces ouchea), it quickly becomes a lot. Look, I don't have the answers. Being in a relationship with a non-white male could easily have just as many challenges, there is always patriarchy and religion. In any case, we're investing in something here and I will try to make it work, but the bottom line is this guy is going to have to put in some serious work.

I guess if I could speak frankly to him I would say:

I know you've never had to work for anything in your life. I know you are hyper-intelligent, so why don't you put some of that intellect to work and research concepts such as wokeness, allyship, feminism, intersectionality?  Oh it bores you? Well listen up... this is the lifeline of our relationship, and it is ALL up to you at this stage. You think that what I have displayed up to now is rage? You have no idea of the leaps and bounds by which it will expand if you don't do something about it.

Gone, are the tears and the fear. This is a fight for survival, and you are either going to step up to the challenge or not.

I can't "Get Out" - This is my life.

Spoiler alert - come back after you've seen it.

So I saw get out this weekend and not only am I shook as fuck, it is hands down the best horror movie EVER - I mean within the first ten minutes the soundtrack featured Childish Gambino's Redbone. I mean COME ON. Yasssss.

More seriously, however, the reason it's so good is because of how real it is. I am no expert on film or the arts but as a PoC I can tell you that this movie is the track and redemption song to every PoC's life. And these are the reasons why:

The Micro Aggressions are so real. Such an integral part of the existence of being black is the emotional toll that microaggressions take on us. Microaggressions are ways in which people are racist but they are unaware of this racism, and it is this unawareness that makes it so difficult to bear. Microaggressions strike at any time and always tend to catch you with your defenses down making them all the more impactful at chipping away your humanity. Then, if you confront the perpetrator they can't see anything wrong with what they've said since they're ignorant, and you are erased further in your identity as a POC. Get Out portrays these so well, and in a way that we know resonates with all of us.  The main microaggressions that validated our trauma in get out are as follow (to be fair I'm working from memory because I don't want to read other critiques and be biased in what I write so this is list is by no means comprehensive):

• When Rose's brother talks about how Chris could have been good at UFC because he's black, then goes on to say that jujitsu is a different game, because it uses strategy implying (1) that because Chris is black he is going to be a good fighter, (2) that Chris is dumb and only defined by brawn, (3) making the link that black men are intrinsically violent. NO. NO. NO. Can not. 

No. No. No. 

No more microaggressions says Georgina.

• Related to that point was the consistent reference to black genetics as being superior for manual labour - linking back to the objectification of black bodies from the time of slavery. DISGUSTING. 
• The overt sexualisation of Chris at the lunch party, and the implication that he may have a big dick but also the crude assumption that he will be into getting into a threeway with a horribly unattractive couple. This eroticisation and  fetishisation of black people is neverending. I mean come on. The movie couldn't have made it more explicit. We don't want to be your sex slaves, BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT FUCKING NYMPHOMANIACS. 
• We have all experienced this one to some extent: The comments on Chris's skin colour being a result of the turning of the tables of power dynamics changing. No white people, white skin was in power and will always be that way. Stop saying black is in fashion and in vogue, or that everyone will be beige one day. Stop denying how you fucked us up based on the colour of our skin.   
• Wah, wah, wah. No microaggression is clearer than the policeman asking for Chris's ID on the way out of town, then being challenged by a basic white woman who commands respect just by the colour of her skin. 
• The continual mentioning of Obama as if support for Obama automatically implies you could never be racist.
• The unsolicited defensiveness the dad makes about having black people on the grounds and the way he feels the need to be a white saviour for giving the housekeeper and groundskeeper jobs, like he is a benevolent god. 
• Tiger woods! Why you mentioning him yo? All black people don't know each other and don't care what you think of the one black person you know who is your only reference point to blackness.
• The judgment of Chris's smoking habit, I don't know if this is reaching but it felt like they were implying he has control issues and is less of a person for that dependency.
• The Gaslighting!! Rose unconsciously gaslights Chris by denying that any of these microaggressions are real and he is made to feel he is going crazy!

The Not-so-micro Aggressions: This was deep. The  extent of  the overt racism in this film was unreal.

• There was the scene where the mum sends Chris into a state of altered consciousness without his permission. Can you tell me about something more violent, entitled than this? Chris then sinks into a deep state of helplessness

This is a metaphor for what it is like to be a person of colour living in a white society. You feel helpless, like you're sinking. You're not heard, you're not seen, you're not given the space to exist. You are floating in some kind of limbo, a fresh hell.

• Then there was the scene where there are a whole lot of white people and one japanese guy, and the japanese guy, who you think would know better being of a persecuted minority groups asks chris to answer a heavily loaded question on the plight of black people in America? Like as POC tell me you have not been here? I was at a lunch date at a table of black girls a  couple of weekends ago when a white women steps up, doesn't greet and says "What do you all think is going to happen to the future of this country?" We were stunned into silence. One friend literally burst out laughing. Moral of the story - hold up and check yourself,  I am not the representative of all black people, the president of the association of blacks. Fuck sakes. Also, and importantly other non black POC can enforce microaggressions too.  
• The part where the mother asks Chris where he was when his mother died!!! I was not ready. This bitch is implying that he may have had something to do with it, you know black kid and all. This isn't a microaggression to me. Its EXTREME racism. And what will a white person say to this, "you don't know that that's what the mother meant?". Well this is my lived experience and I think I know when I am being profiled. Thanks.

Other reasons that this movie is a stellar representation of the lived experiences of POC are:

• The accuracy of the depiction of the  characters. Can we just talk about how realistic this all is? The dad is the classic intellectual white liberal who uses intellect to be "above" racism. The mom, who is passively aggressively racist and tries to protect her daughter from the black man. The brother who wants to assert to Chris, that he is superior, physically, mentally and intellectually - who wants to show Chris that he (the brother) will come out on top no matter what. 
• The perfect depiction of the way in which white families treat black significant others! The constant undermining and double checking, and the piqued interest, trying hard to box you, and the innumerous and unpredictable microaggressions. The family members who won't stop pushing buttons no matter how much your partner asks them not to. 
• The way in which whiteness is depicted in general. Especially with respect to Rose, the girlfriend  - at the beginning of the movie you are convinced that she is woke, and then just when you think you have a bond that transcends race, boom - race strikes. You can never transcend race in an interracial relationship. 
• At the lunch party there is this way in which the numerous white people all merge into one. This actually happens when you are the token person of colour in an environment. The constant microaggressions and violence become too much to handle and you eventually can't distinguish between who said something worse and what's okay and what isn't.
• Another thing I noticed, before the big plot twist at the end, was the way in which all of the grounds staff and domestic help was expected to assimilate to whiteness and not ruffle feathers. In so doing they lose track of who they are and become complicit in their own oppression. 
• Linked to this, is the way black people have to constantly fucking play up to whiteness. You don't have the choice not to and it becomes exhausting.

God damn, I could write a thesis about the universal black truth about this movie.

It is a masterpiece. It is a validation of the literal horror of black existence, black beauty and black creativity like no other. What an excellent year for black cinema!

The social commentary is excellent too, for instance the way in which the role of police is seen. At the end as the viewer, you resign yourself to the fact that this black man is FUCKED when you see that cop car roll up! This is huge. If you are white, what you should be asking is, why am I scared for this innocent black man's safety when I see this cop car?

Other poignant themes, that were revealed later were the way white people prey on black people for their own benefit. This you see most clearly when Rose's modus operandi is revealed but also at the end when the grand plan of the family is uncovered.  We are consumable to them.

Speaking on the uncovering of the grand plan, there comes a point where Chris asks "Why us?", as in, why black people? The man answering says "it's not about race, it is because black is in fashion" but when in actuality we know :

That IT IS about race.

It's about BLACK LIVES DO NOT MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!

But you get to the end of the movie, and have the satisfaction of Chris killing every one of these mother fucker's off and then being saved by his homeboy. And this is our redemption. We are like "Yeah, Chris you made it!!" We were literally applauding in the cinema. 

No Chris, you're not good honey.

Not after that.

But then you realise that Chris is shook. Fucking traumatised. He's disturbed. And we are happy because there was a victory, he wasn't arrested, he SURVIVED. But survival is the bare minimum. He now has to live with the trauma of his experience forever more. 

And so, no. There is no escape. He can't "GET OUT"

We can't GET OUT.

This is our lives.

If these walls could talk (Sex)

Let me start by saying that if you didn't get the Kendrick reference in the title to this blog post, then you shouldn't be here.

And yes, another sex blog. Leave now if you're not ready for this.

I was chatting to one of my besties the other day about what we would want from a sexual partner if we had full control over what we could choose. What is necessary, what is basic, and what is, frankly, just asking for too much.

Talking to her is always fun, because she has a plethora of wisdom in this field from her acute attention paying way of being in the world.

In any case, we basically came up with lists, of what we think are the most important sexual skills that a (cis) man (or any partner) can offer a woman in a relationship.

Okay so full disclosure: when we started out, I had it as a priority that a beautiful dick is what I want and I will settle for nothing less.  I know a lot of people don't feel this way, but really you get penises, and you get penises. And the latter are like a work of art. If you're tactilely sensitive, they feel good in your hands. If you're care about hygiene, they feel so good in your mouth that you will forget that you do. Upshot is, they're things to behold. She thinks it's shallow. Besides, getting to know what someone's dick looks like is a little like a box of chocolates...

So we chatted. And fine, a beautiful penis - not too large, a little on the wide side... I digress - is too much to ask for, especially since it is an endowment that people have no choice over.

So i rolled my eyes and we carried on chatting. And this is what it turns out is not too much to ask for in a sexual relationship:

1- A man (or partner) who loves to eat pussy. With the operative word being love. And you would be surprised at how rare this is. Like I don't know what porn vacuum cis-het men live in, but they don't realise that eating pussy is an integral part of the sexual experience for women. In a world where women take 20 minutes just to let their defenses down and get turned on, eating pussy is not a luxury. It's a necessity. Why do you think gay and bi- women have a almost 100% orgasm strike rate? I mean, you get reasonable men who intellectually understand that they can't expect you to suck them off without them doing the same, but they're doing it as if they're washing the fucking dishes. Like, hold up. Keep your tongue to yourself if that's what you're gonna do with it.  But hey, on the bright side, once you get the hang of it it will only get easier and better.

Take some tips from your homeboy Ryan Gosling -

Here he is eating Carey Muligan out in Blue Valentine

2- CLITERACY! I will say no more... Just read this.

3- And intricately linked to cliteracy is technique.  Okay, so you get men in their thirties who still fuck like teenagers and this is NOT okay. Like, I get it, some men have natural rhythm and others don't, and that's okay because there are positions that work depending what your skills set it. For instance, if you don't have the hip moves, stay away from being on top (missionary) and if you still insist on being on top, maybe try a waltz move (every second beat of the bar should be more intense - you're welcome), but try to do it from the side, or maybe behind (yes, with the waltz - you are not a jackhammer). Also, the last works well if you - let's not sugarcoat it - have a small dick. And if you have a big one, then see point 1 above - it's all about the warm-up.

Gosh, I could gush about technique forever, but from a sample of ample women, I can tell you that guys who do kachabali have the most satisfied sexual partners. It's not always about penetration, sometimes you just have to appreciate the architecture of a good pussy and play with it a little, it's actually about the anticipation of good dick that can have the effect of good dick. I'm not gonna say anymore but watch this and skip to 3:34 to see what you need to do.  Also, God damn the Kenyans, they had it right this whole fucking time. Also bonus points if you can make her squirt. What? You didn't know that all women could squirt?

4- Compromise in terms of who does the work - this is an obvious point, but in a long term relationship it is only fair to divide the effort. It doesn't have to be equal division but division is necessary. I suppose there are dynamics that come into play here, like if you're not adequately turned on as a woman it can be sore to do the work.... I guess it comes back to having that pussy eaten. haha.

5-  Attentiveness and attention to detail: This is where the real work comes in, in my opinion, and women who have lovers who are great in the attention department are the ones who win. It's about knowing your partner's body, and idiosyncrasies so that you can hotwire them. Basically, you can fuck like a professional porn-star (when off the goose - Boom! Kendrick reference) but it doesn't matter if you don't know what your partner wants, or likes, or most importantly prefers.

Some girls like some mild choking while fucking. 

Ain't nothing wrong with dat.

6 - Most importantly, and related to 5, be chilled and humble (Queue Kendrick - be humble).  Like minimise your ego, learn how to take direction. Especially about those subtle things that go a long way to making sex amazing (e.g.: pulling a handful of hair at the nape of the neck for some women). Taking direction in a humble non-personal way is something that comes up in heteronormative sexual relationships all the time, because men tend to feel invalidated by their inability to locate the clit. And you end up having these conversations that go like this:

Her: "To the left, no to the right, no to the left, ah you lost it"
Him: "I'm trying, maybe if you stopped being so BOSSY it would work"....

Like ... hold up, I'm not being bossy, this is my body, i'm not gonna take something and pretend it feels good to protect your ego. Try again, and maybe this time be less defensive.

7- And after all of this if you still can't locate the clit, and fuck right, actually even if you can - invest in some fucking sex toys. They make everyone's life better.

Aight so this turned into a lecture for cis-het males on how to be good lovers. Well lawd knows they fucking need it....

As kendrick would say:
Enjoy it when you're in it. She'll love it when you're in it.

Peace

Guilty as fuck? Crushes when you're in a long term relationship

So, this is not taboo at all. *cough cough*

At the risk of outing the person whose message I'm relaying (consent was obtained) I decided it was time someone spoke about what you do if you develop the feels for someone else while you're in a relationship. See I have this friend, she works in corporate and she has the hots for a barista who works in the building.... and she's freaking out about it.

I mean I get it... Crushes have this way of coming to you out of the blue. Life's good, your relationship is good, the sex with your partner is great and one day you're fucking and boom, the barista from the coffee shop's cute little face pop's into your head.

Creepy shit. It's bound to freak you out. You write it off as a once off thing - you were hormonal (maybe getting your period if you're a cis woman) and it happens. But then you go buy a coffee and your heart skips a beat, or you get butterflies when he's there and you look at his pretty hands or piercing eyes.... A couple of days later you go to get a coffee again, he's not there and your heart sinks. All the while life back at the ranch with your partner is great. There are no sinister undercurrents, and things are going fine...

One or two weeks pass and when you find yourself with idle time this beautiful barista's face pops into your head. It's getting annoying now... Like being in high-school all over again. You secretly fantasize about what your kids would look like, or what the barista looks like naked.... Your tummy turns, and you feel excited. That oxytocin is a killer. Maybe you think about him when you masturbate, or wonder if he thinks about you while he masturbates. You probably have a good (really quick) orgasm, then you feel...

Guilty as fuck. 

You think about your partner, what you built and where you are and feel pretty fucking awful and a little angry at your body for betraying you by giving you the feels for someone else.

Issa could have avoided fucking up what she had

with Lawrence if she just rubbed it out.

But... A crush - even an outrageous tummy-turning, sex-dream inducing, head spinning, stuttering crush - is natural, and normal, and this is why:

1. We are, at the best of times, animals. Just because we choose to rise above our base instincts and pledge monogamy to one person does not mean that we become asexual or out of tune with the world around us.  Any time after about two years in a relationship the hormones wear off and it is normal that your interest is piqued subsconsciously around a person who evolutionarily would make a good mate.

2. Attention is nice. We all long to be desired, and wanted, and part of this is validating ourselves by wanting the attention of someone whom we can't actually have.  The whole forbidden fruit thing is legitimate.

3. You gotta learn to trust yourself. Just because you have sexual thoughts about someone does not mean that you are going to act on them. Society teaches us to be ashamed of these kinds of feelings, even though they are involuntary and to a certain extent random  (there is nothing special about the barista at the coffee shop no matter how much your infatuated mind tells you there is, you could have a crush on anyone). However, because of this shame having a crush fucks with your mind because you keep the fear of infidelity alive. But you have to learn to trust yourself, a few benign feelings does not have to mean the end of any number of years you spent building something with someone you love. Your self-trust will trump the transience of these feelings.

So a crush is normal, what do you do about it then?

The answer is simple: nothing. 

You certainly do NOT tell your partner about it - it will hurt their feelings unnecessarily and create drama over nothing.

In my opinion I don't believe in fighting the crush to make it go away - harmless flirting and light entertaining of it doesn't equate to infedility to me. You can enjoy someone's conversation, be sexually attracted to them, and safely not act on the latter. It isn't a slippery slope, and is something that can be nipped in the bud. Besides, while these thing work two ways - you have complete agency.

Finally, just sit with the feelings and don't over-analyse them. They probably don't mean anything deep, and they will pass.

This is really simple advice, but I can see how in a culture of paranoia and mistrust in hetero-normative patriarchal relationships people view something as natural as having a crush in a relationship as something that must be hush-hushed. And this where the guilt stems from. I guess it depends on what your objective is - if your objective is to put your partner's feelings before your own at any cost then hush-hushing it may work for you. If your objective is to live a healthy balanced life, and one in which you may encounter numerous situations like this, then honest acknowledgment of where you are and mild entertaining of it can be truly harmless. Ultimately however, the risk comes from people not being self-aware enough to truly believe that their actions are harmless. In this situation it is not the crush that is the enemy but LYING TO YOURSELF - about your motives, agenda and your feelings.

Predicated on a healthy sense of self-awareness, trust and a palate for a little spice. A crush is healthy. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Imagine the Angels of Bread

This is the year that squatters evict landlords,
gazing like admirals from the rail
of the roof deck
or levitating hands in praise
of steam in the shower;
this is the year
that shawled refugees deport judges
who stare at the floor
and their swollen feet
as files are stamped
with their destination;
this is the year that police revolvers,
stove-hot, blister the fingers
of raging cops,
and nightsticks splinter
in their palms;
this is the year that dark skinned men
lynched a century ago
return to sip coffee quietly
with the apologizing descendants
of their executioners.


This is the year that those

who swim the border's undertow
and shiver in boxcars
are greeted with trumpets and drums
at the first railroad crossing
on the other side;
this is the year that the hands
pulling tomatoes from the vine
uproot the deed to the earth that sprouts
the vine,
the hands canning tomatoes
are named in the will
that owns the bedlam of the cannery;
this is the year that the eyes stinging from the poison that purifies toilets
awaken at last to the sight
of a rooster-loud hillside,
pilgrimage of immigrant birth; this is the year that cockroaches
become extinct, that no doctor
finds a roach embedded
in the ear of an infant;
this is the year that the food stamps
of adolescent mothers
are auctioned like gold doubloons,
and no coin is given to buy machetes
for the next bouquet of severed heads
in coffee plantation country.

If the abolition of slave-manacles
began as a vision of hands without manacles,then this is the year;
if the shutdown of extermination camps
began as imagination of a land
without barbed wire or the crematorum,
then this is the year;
if every rebellion begins with the idea
that conquerors on horseback are not many-legged gods, that they too drown
if plunged in the river,
then this is the year.

So may every humiliated mouth,
teeth like desecrated headstones,
fill with the angels of bread.

— Martín Espada