If these walls could talk (Sex)

Let me start by saying that if you didn't get the Kendrick reference in the title to this blog post, then you shouldn't be here.

And yes, another sex blog. Leave now if you're not ready for this.

I was chatting to one of my besties the other day about what we would want from a sexual partner if we had full control over what we could choose. What is necessary, what is basic, and what is, frankly, just asking for too much.

Talking to her is always fun, because she has a plethora of wisdom in this field from her acute attention paying way of being in the world.

In any case, we basically came up with lists, of what we think are the most important sexual skills that a (cis) man (or any partner) can offer a woman in a relationship.

Okay so full disclosure: when we started out, I had it as a priority that a beautiful dick is what I want and I will settle for nothing less.  I know a lot of people don't feel this way, but really you get penises, and you get penises. And the latter are like a work of art. If you're tactilely sensitive, they feel good in your hands. If you're care about hygiene, they feel so good in your mouth that you will forget that you do. Upshot is, they're things to behold. She thinks it's shallow. Besides, getting to know what someone's dick looks like is a little like a box of chocolates...

So we chatted. And fine, a beautiful penis - not too large, a little on the wide side... I digress - is too much to ask for, especially since it is an endowment that people have no choice over.

So i rolled my eyes and we carried on chatting. And this is what it turns out is not too much to ask for in a sexual relationship:

1- A man (or partner) who loves to eat pussy. With the operative word being love. And you would be surprised at how rare this is. Like I don't know what porn vacuum cis-het men live in, but they don't realise that eating pussy is an integral part of the sexual experience for women. In a world where women take 20 minutes just to let their defenses down and get turned on, eating pussy is not a luxury. It's a necessity. Why do you think gay and bi- women have a almost 100% orgasm strike rate? I mean, you get reasonable men who intellectually understand that they can't expect you to suck them off without them doing the same, but they're doing it as if they're washing the fucking dishes. Like, hold up. Keep your tongue to yourself if that's what you're gonna do with it.  But hey, on the bright side, once you get the hang of it it will only get easier and better.

Take some tips from your homeboy Ryan Gosling -

Here he is eating Carey Muligan out in Blue Valentine

2- CLITERACY! I will say no more... Just read this.

3- And intricately linked to cliteracy is technique.  Okay, so you get men in their thirties who still fuck like teenagers and this is NOT okay. Like, I get it, some men have natural rhythm and others don't, and that's okay because there are positions that work depending what your skills set it. For instance, if you don't have the hip moves, stay away from being on top (missionary) and if you still insist on being on top, maybe try a waltz move (every second beat of the bar should be more intense - you're welcome), but try to do it from the side, or maybe behind (yes, with the waltz - you are not a jackhammer). Also, the last works well if you - let's not sugarcoat it - have a small dick. And if you have a big one, then see point 1 above - it's all about the warm-up.

Gosh, I could gush about technique forever, but from a sample of ample women, I can tell you that guys who do kachabali have the most satisfied sexual partners. It's not always about penetration, sometimes you just have to appreciate the architecture of a good pussy and play with it a little, it's actually about the anticipation of good dick that can have the effect of good dick. I'm not gonna say anymore but watch this and skip to 3:34 to see what you need to do.  Also, God damn the Kenyans, they had it right this whole fucking time. Also bonus points if you can make her squirt. What? You didn't know that all women could squirt?

4- Compromise in terms of who does the work - this is an obvious point, but in a long term relationship it is only fair to divide the effort. It doesn't have to be equal division but division is necessary. I suppose there are dynamics that come into play here, like if you're not adequately turned on as a woman it can be sore to do the work.... I guess it comes back to having that pussy eaten. haha.

5-  Attentiveness and attention to detail: This is where the real work comes in, in my opinion, and women who have lovers who are great in the attention department are the ones who win. It's about knowing your partner's body, and idiosyncrasies so that you can hotwire them. Basically, you can fuck like a professional porn-star (when off the goose - Boom! Kendrick reference) but it doesn't matter if you don't know what your partner wants, or likes, or most importantly prefers.

Some girls like some mild choking while fucking. 

Ain't nothing wrong with dat.

6 - Most importantly, and related to 5, be chilled and humble (Queue Kendrick - be humble).  Like minimise your ego, learn how to take direction. Especially about those subtle things that go a long way to making sex amazing (e.g.: pulling a handful of hair at the nape of the neck for some women). Taking direction in a humble non-personal way is something that comes up in heteronormative sexual relationships all the time, because men tend to feel invalidated by their inability to locate the clit. And you end up having these conversations that go like this:

Her: "To the left, no to the right, no to the left, ah you lost it"
Him: "I'm trying, maybe if you stopped being so BOSSY it would work"....

Like ... hold up, I'm not being bossy, this is my body, i'm not gonna take something and pretend it feels good to protect your ego. Try again, and maybe this time be less defensive.

7- And after all of this if you still can't locate the clit, and fuck right, actually even if you can - invest in some fucking sex toys. They make everyone's life better.

Aight so this turned into a lecture for cis-het males on how to be good lovers. Well lawd knows they fucking need it....

As kendrick would say:
Enjoy it when you're in it. She'll love it when you're in it.

Peace

John - The "potential" rapist.

This blog is new. So I want to start with something a little less contentious. An issue that womxn everywhere face and have experienced at some point in their lives.

This is a story about the time I did not get raped, but was violated.

A few summers ago I met a person named John. John is a white male. John is in a public profession, a noble one at that - teaching.

We met through an acquaintance and as these things go, hung out a couple of times. We did not have sex on the first date, but on the second after going out for cocktails and me offering to split the bill. John was funny. We laughed a lot.

When we got to John's place we had a rendezvous that was not very memorable. Aside for one thing that I just can't forget - he refused to wear a condom, and after my insistence did not put one on and stuck it in. I tried to stop him and eventually did, but he succeeded in getting it in for a good few seconds.

I gave John the benefit of the doubt, and decided to see him again. The second time I saw him, I was not in the mood to have sex but felt like watching a movie. He asked why I came to his place if I wasn't interested in sex, but I ignored the comment. He thought I was playing coy  and kept trying to hike my skirt up. Eventually some of John's friends showed up. A rowdy bunch of characters, and they suggested we go out. I joined. They said things like, "Why are you wearing heels? John doesn't like heels". In any case. We went out. Did shots. Got drunk.

We got back to John's place where I intended on sobering up. We ended up hooking up, and when I asked him to put on a condom - no demanded it, he accused me of having a disease that I would give to him... I mean, I thought this only happened in the movies, not among intelligent conscious men. Not among white boys whose parents' were struggle allies and gave them middle names like Keketso or Fezile. Not among school teachers.

The next morning I got up and as I was about to leave, I said - "Hey my head hurts, you pulled my hair really hard last night". And he said "Well, you wanted it".

I left, got home, cleaned up and went to a braai with my best friend. I told her all about it and she instructed me to cut all contact with him, but not before confronting him for what he did.

I could not muster the strength to confront John immediately, or at all. After a few days I removed him from facebook and a few days later told him to leave me alone.

It never made sense to me why I felt so dirty and disgusted after what happened. I was certain that me being there implied that there was some form of consent and I did reciprocate - there was no brute force. Still, writing this makes me feel grimy and gross and all I can recall is his lispy voice saying that I was going to give him a disease.

I bumped into John twice after that incident. John does not know that he is rapey. He does not know how he violated me. The last time I bumped into John he asked me where my boyfriend was and why I looked so nervous, then pulled up a chair next to me and crossed boundary after boundary of personal space, stroking my hair, making intense eye contact - until a male friend showed up. John then disappeared into thin air.

I don't know what's going through your mind now - maybe similar things to what go through mine every time I recount this episode:
-Why didn't I leave sooner?
-Why did I keep believing he was a nice guy when the signs were there that he was not?
-How the fuck did I let this happen?
-I am a feminist and an independent womxn, I coudn't have seen this coming, but why did I not leave when it got awkward.

Probably because of just that - it was awkward. I slipped into flight, fight or freeze. And froze. I am so curious to know how many victims this happens to? I wish I had a superhero alter-ego that could have done the intellectually right thing - kicking the pig in balls and fleeing, but not before wrecking his life. Unfortunately, the response was primal, programmed and deeply emotional. And I stayed. And I let what happened happen. I primally compromised me.

I feel dirty every time I see or think of John - like there is a layer of grey muck on my skin. I wish I could scratch it all away. And as a liberal womxn, one who owns the responsibility of her choices, especially the risk associated with enebriated sexual behaviour, I just have to ask: Is John a rapist?

Even if he isn't. He definitely has the potential to be. He probably will never know it but John violated me, and I am still recovering from the trauma that he imposed on me. And it is not even like there has been a catharsis, I feel today as I felt the first day it happened - hollow in my gut...

P.S Names have been changed.
P.P.S John had no technique, was tiny, is a terrible lay and a generally horrible humxn being.